At the intersection of fear and boldness
It's been a tough few weeks. Full time ministry has seasons of such overwhelming sweetness and then there are the other times... You know what I'm talking about.I was sharing with one of my mentors yesterday that my confidence has been shaken as a result of a number of events. As I sat in a concert last night and prayed, I asked God why I felt the way I did and several words came to mind. God speaks to me in vocabulary lessons. Fear Failure Courage Boldness Those were the four words I got. In that moment I realized all of the things that I'm afraid of- the list was a flash through my mind and it was a terrifying one. As I watched the split-second newsreel play out across my internal vision I felt The Lord say, not in words, but in a sort of non-verbal idea hug way, "I have made you to have courage and hold nothing back. Do not hinder yourself from the boldness I have planted and tended and protected within you. Do not be afraid because I am with you." I would love to say that at that point, I felt as if I could jump onstage and start rocking out with Big Daddy Weave, but fear persisted and I wrestled with God's word for me. I held onto the idea that I am not good enough... But the seed of boldness is within me and I must tend to that garden daily by offering myself as a living sacrifice HOLY and PLEASING to God. This is the only way that my worship will be whole.